I hate to love or I love to hate you…
Sometimes my heart is caught in the
And I am blue, without a clue
For your love exahusts me
Exploits me
Parches me and
Yet out of complete irrationality
I want more of it
So I love you, I chose to love..
I choose to love you and your anger
I choose to love you and your sorrow
I choose to love you and your issues

Survival kit

Today, I was given a DAILY SURVIVAL KIT and I am putting it here to be able to read it everyday..or any particular day I want to really NEED it....

Toothpick ... to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone,including yourself.

Rubber band ... to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.

Band-Aid ... to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else's.

Eraser ... to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That's okay, we learn by our errors.

Candy Kiss ... to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.

Mint ... to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me.

Bubble Gum ... to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

Pencil ... to remind you to list your blessings every day.

Tea Bag ... to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God's blessings.

Goals and such

Sooh,
Back after a hiatus.
Yes, things have been crazy busy for the past 3 months since Diwali. I had too much going on. All good things though; dance, music, pageant prep, New year's party prep and planning; all of that peppered with work and more work.
However, for some strange reason although the past two months have been really really busy, they have been slower than the past 3 years.
I always thought that when one is busy, one does not realize how time passes. However, I am opposite, time passes for me slower when I am not busy, when I procrastinate, when I am NOT working towards a goal.
The thing that has definitely changed in the past 3 months is the surety of a goal.
It has brought so much stability, direction and peace to everything I do.
It seems as though suddenly everything I have done, everything that has happened in the past years suddenly makes sense. ALL OF IT!!
TRULY AMAZING!
I have a feeling that 2010 definitely has something really big, something really spectacular, something really phenomenal, something truly magical in store for me. And all I have to do is keep working towards it!
And I am going to keep working towards that!
NOW, back to work :)

TODAY!!

Posting a poem I found while searching thru some archieves TODAY :)
Need this handy whenever the day demands it..like today does!

---------------

TODAY I will delete from my diary two days:

YESTERDAY and TOMORROW

Yesterday was to learn

And tomorrow will be the consequence

Of what I can do TODAY.

TODAY I will face life with the conviction that

This day will not ever return.

TODAY is the last opportunity I have to live intensely,

As no one can assure me

That I will see tomorrow's sunrise.

TODAY I will be brave enough not to let any opportunity pass me by,

My only alternative is to succeed.

TODAY I will invest my most valuable resource: my TIME,

In the most transcendental work : my LIFE;

I will spend each minute passionately to make of

TODAY a different and unique day in my life.

TODAY I will defy every obstacle that appears on my way trusting

I will SUCCEED.

TODAY I will resist pietism

And will conquer the world with a SMILE,

With the positive attitude of expecting always the BEST.

TODAY I will make of every ordinary task a sublime expression

TODAY I will have my feet on the ground understanding reality

And the stars' gaze to invent my future.

TODAY I will take the time to be happy

And will leave my footprints and my presence in the hearts of others.

TODAY I invite you to begin a new

Where we can that everything we undertake is possible

And we can fulfil it with joy and dignity.

Have a good day and a better one tomorrow!

-----------------------------

Music after midnite 2

Well.."nothing to say/write"..just as the song says...just feel..

Music after midnite 2

One of my fav songs..cannot help singing it..

Music after minight 1

Some songs I recorded when I could not sleep at night....

New Car and thoughts

SOooh! Finally brought the car home yesterday. The car I wanted for a year; make that 2!
It was a pleasure to drive...but still my mind was plagued with too many thoughts...and of course with the thoughts of driving carefully. HAVE TO DO DEFENSIVE Driving here in Bluffcity; people drive like they are being chased by a tornado. Neeways, so while thinking about checking the blind spot, giving lane change signals, I was also thinking about the indulgence...
Don't get me wrong..the car is an indulgence..an indulegence that makes me drool even when I think about it, sitting here at the computer...MY red-colored, black interior, black top, chrome-lined, MINICOOPER convertible. The car made a special place in my heart the first time I started it to take a test drive.. And so I think, despite the loan, despite the increased insurance and of course my concern for my new red baby :); i feel the indulgence was worth it..I test drove enough models to know that I did not want to put money on any of them, waited 2 long years to make up my mind and got a good deal..So, I think the indulgence ( the biggest and most expensive one I have made with my money so far) was worth it..I feel it every time I make a turn and my car glides through it.. and every time I take the top down and feel the wind in my hair :)

MIA- When life and work and ETC takes over

Dear Blog,

I know I have been missing
Have put life before you
Have put work before you
Have not written due to Law and Order musings.

But you are always there
Always there to accept my blahs and whines
There to accept my typos, my poems and my thoughts.

So here and today, I promise to make amends
I will be here more often
Even though it means words lessened.

Just so that I can come back in days ahead
And remember what was going on
While time was ticking, sun was shining
Flowers were blooming and love was growing :)

Phenomenal Woman

T asked me to read this poem becuase I am going thru a hard month. I love, love, love this. So keeping it handy for the times I need to read this:

Phenomenal Woman
by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Maya Angelou, “Phenomenal Woman” from And Still I Rise.

Lately, I have been thinking about doing a detox program. I think it is a nice way to kickstart my fitness regime. And what better day to "restart", "reboot" my daily shcedule and perhaps bring in a life-style change than my Birthday. I am inching closer to the "not-so-young-anymore" number. But I think you are as young as you feel you are. So, I want to feel more energetic, lively and vital. I think this might be a good place to start reading about detox and improving what I put in my mouth.
http://kimberlysnyder.net/

Second chances

I have been thinking a lot lately about second chances. Wondering whether friends are those who understand that sometimes you need a second chance. You make mistakes in relationships, but you learn a lot about yourself in the whole process. Once the clouds clear and you admit and accepts the mistakes, are "true friends" the ones who openly accept it and accept you and give you a second chance at the relationship.
And then, why is it so difficult for some people to give you a second chance?
Do they forget that when you unintentionally hurt someone close to you, someone you care about, then you hurt more than the person you hurt. And you feel like shit! And something that you did not know has just been revealed to you and you are willing to make amends. But to make changes you need a second chance. You need a chance to prove that you have learnt something more. You need a second chance to implement and execute what you have learnt. A person becomes wiser by making mistakes, by falling, and then by getting up and getting another shot.
And then sometimes, I think that you yourself need to give yourself a second chance. You need to forgive yourself and take another shot.
So, are friends the people who understand you more than you do and are willing to give you that second chance with an open heart. You sometimes hurt them, have fights, have arguments, but they are still ones who root for you the most when you get that so deserved second chance. They are the ones waiting for you at the victory line. They are ones who run into at the finish line and they catch your fall. They hug you, pick you up on their shoulders.
So, second chances are important, they are perhaps more important than the first shot itself. Second chances make us appreciate what the first shot and failures taught us, they re-iterate the importance of the first shot.
I hope that my friends and my life is generous enough to give me sceond chances. To give me a second chance to make relationships better, a second chance to know myself, a second chance to be a better and stronger friend.
To second chances!!!

Gems and such

I was reading some of the notes that I had made to myself in India during this India trip and there were gems that I read/heard that I had noted. I am putting them here so that I can read them whenever and whereever I think I need them.
This one is from Sorry Bhai. This is what Boman says to Shabana when she tries to come in the way of Chitrangada and Sharman's love. I think this is really powerful, a true test of strength and a true test of love.
"Real strength is when you love someone and you let that person have all the freedom that person needs; you let that person totally free and espite that, he or she remains yours."
The other one is from an episode of Mahabharat when Krishna is leaving Vrindavan to go to Mathura. All of Radha's friends are asking her why she does not stop Krishna. How can she love him and not be possessive about him. To that she says,
"Love is being able to recongise that when the reflection of the moon falls on the waters the lake, it is the foolishness of the lake to think that moon belongs to it. The moon is always and foreverr in its place in the sky shining upton the on the entire world and giving its moonbeams to everthing equally."
A little too contemplative, a little too cheesy sometimesat times. But there are times when one needs such words. These words become gems when they are set and said in the right settings and right circumstance. Until they are set and used and they shine, I am keeping these gems stashed in this treasure chest; for me to find them when I need them. Until then..they are for safe-keeping :-)

Doggy Door in Heaven

A friend and co-worker's dog passed away today morning. I had not met him, but had seen loads of pix. I know that had I met him, I would have instantly fallen in love. Dogs just talk to you with their eyes. The best kind of communication ever!
Neeways, I was thinking what to write to her so as to let her know how I feel and I found this wonderful website dedicated to dogs. Check it out!
Poems in Praise of Dogs

Here is what I sent her. I hope she finds the courage and strength she needs in this time of sorrow.

HEAVEN'S DOGGY-DOOR

My best friend closed his eyes last
night, As his head was in my hand.
The Doctors said he was in pain,
And it was hard for him to stand.

The thoughts that scurried through
my head, As I cradled him in my arms.
Were of his younger, puppy years,
And OH...his many charms.

Today, there was no gentle nudge
With an intense "I love you gaze",
Only a heart thats filled with tears
Remembering our joy filled days.

But an Angel just appeared to me,
And he said, "You should cry no more,
GOD also loves our canine friends,
HE's installed a 'doggy-door"!

--- Jan Cooper --- 1995

Love..a Why...

They say that love does not hurt; 

They say that love brings happiness

They say that love makes everything joyful

They say that love lights up the darkness

Then why does the heart ache

Why is there anger

Why are there disconnects

Why is there a fear of loss anticipated along the way

Why do two people grow apart

Why is there loss of words

Where does the happiness disappear

When does the boon become a curse

Why are there so many questions

And where do I find answers

Why does he say that something is missing

Even when I have laid down my heart; still he says it falters.

So do I still believe that love brings happiness

Believe that everything will be joyful like it was

That love will light our way 

That we met  has to have a divine cause.

- Leena

Jan 06, 2009; 1:27 AM

My Forecast...Can I ask for anything MORE??!!! I think NOOT!

Here is what my forecast says for the year 2009..very exciting...I will be ready for all the changes...

You are on the threshold of a major shift in your life as joyful Jupiter enters your sign next week to spend most of 2009 expanding your world. But you must be willing to change and to grow in order to make the most of whatever opportunities are offered. This can be challenging for you if you are reluctant to let go of the past. Don't hold on to what you have or you won't be able to grab on to what comes next.

Saving this for the time when I really need to read something to look upto.

Words, Words

I was talking to a close friend today. We have been really close and then suddenly like a snap things have changed. There is a growing distance that seems to be growing by the second. I was talking to this person that the dis-connect is very bothering and irritating. It is the very disturbing that when you think you have a real connection with someone and that connection suddenly has a lot of dropped calls. Neeways, I was trying to say this using words and more words and the person at the other end was not getting what I was trying to say..and now as I sit here writing this, I think, 'Are words really soooh important?". Yes, they help you express things, they help you "communicate", they are aids of connections, words are the building blocks of literature, they have been used so wonderfully and beautifully by poets, they are the bridges that connect sounds. But then again, there are so many things expressed by the body, by the eyes, by the lips; there is no much communication that happens without the use of a single word, there are some connections made instantly, w.o. even a "Hi"; and of course there is so much beauty captured in one picture that even a thousand page book cannot express.
So, now I am thinking the reason we are unable to communicate and connect today, is it really the fault of the words, or the fact that there really is a disconnect. When there is a connection, words are not needed and when there is a disconnect, all the words uttered are incorrect and inappropriate and inadequate.
But how do u tell a person, who you really care about, that there is a distance. How do you tell the person that there is a disconnect and hope that the connection gets turned back ON?? How do you relax when there is an obvious tension in the conversation?
I guess at such times, you just trust the cosmos and "SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY". Just say it and hope that the older connection will aide the words. Well..hopefully!

I am back ....again!!

i am writing today after a long time... a lot of things have been going on in the past month. one thing I have come to realize is that if there is anything that i am not ( or my heart) is not sure about doing, I should just tell my mind to follow without any questions. I am not able to bring my mind to agree to anything that my heart is not really interested in doing.

Also, I really need to do something about this exhaustion i face. I am always exhausted all the time. I am exhasted from work, exhausted from dance, exhausted from cooking, exhausted from doing FAN work, JUST plain exhausted. I donot know what to do about the exhaustion. There is this feeling that I am being constantly forced into doing something that I donot want to do. But I still keep doing it becuase I have committed to it and now am accountable. I am really waiting for this week to be over soon, so that I can start to reprogram my schedule.

I want Wednesday, 1:30 pm to approach fast so that I can decide what I can do with my time and alos give more time to tasks that are more important to me.

Neeways...I have more to write..but will tomorrow.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a happy day for me. Those a little harder to come by these days with so many things going on. But today morning when I was thinking about everything I need to do this month and the next, about dance, FAN,Diwali, India Planning, I got this warm-fuzzy that everything was going to be alright and that everything will be handled appropriately.
So yesterday was a happy day. I wanted to tell G, but he was fast asleep before I got a chance to turn to him and tell him. But that's my G!! Love him no matter what!

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

New Blog

I started a new blog yesterday to record my thoughts, experiences and lessons about dance. Since dance is a part of me and my life, I think this was long time coming. I am feeling pretty good about it so far.
Here is where you can find my dance logs: Thumkas N Shimmies